I will never forget an initial coaching session over the phone with an ethnic pastor. I was born and raised in the US and he was born and raised in a Middle-eastern location where Christians are frequently persecuted. I had known him for about a year and wanted to establish a coaching relationship to help him in his ministry. The purpose of my first coaching call to him was to establish a relationship with him as his coach. I also wanted to explain what our coaching conversations would be all about. After our conversation, it dawned on me that sometimes, coaching ministry leaders will not work, at least initially. My story and commentary may help you understand more about when coaching may not work and how to help you grow a healthy coaching relationship.
As we talked, I began to see that he had some difficulty trusting others, especially in answering questions designed to help him share information about himself and his ministry. Remember, he is from a country where the government questions Christians and especially pastors and leaders about their life and ministry. People have different reasons for resisting questioning or even attempts to get to know them. And for some, this will mean the use of coaching by asking questions just may not work, or even be counterproductive.
My solution to continuing to seek to encourage and help this dear pastor was to offer to be available when he has questions or issues where he needs some help. So I left the initiative with him to contact me when he felt he would like my help.
Here are some guidelines for relating to those who are resistant to coaching:
1. Seek to understand why someone is resistant to coaching help. Look carefully at his or her background, ethnic, or cultural differences, prior experiences with someone with whom he or she has worked, personality type, or maybe something about you that might hinder a relationship or even be offensive to him or her in your coaching relationship.
2. Offer other options to help him or her. Many people in church leadership have never experienced effective coaching. Start with being a mentor or trainer for a leader if you sense resistance. Then, when you sense they trust you and are ready, proceed to a short period of coaching conversations after you explain to them what ministry coaching is all about. If coaching still causes resistance, stick with mentoring and training.
3. Listen carefully for hints or verbal reasons for the resistance. Hesitation to answer personal questions is to be expected if trust is questioned. In your relationship with a leader, look for a low level of eye contact with you. Listen for too much silence after asking questions. Also, listen for a "changing the subject" response. And do not push for answers.
4. Make sure you are not coming across as a "superior." This may look different to different people, but some people may view you as superior if you sound like you know the "right" answers, or if you seem to be judging their responses. Through verbal and nonverbal communication, reflect a sincere interest in the person or team you are attempting to coach as a means to help them in ministry.
5. Work hard to clarify what a coaching relationship is all about. This means you need to explain your "how" of coaching and ask them what help they would like to receive from your coaching relationship with them. Writing a coaching contract and agreeing to it can be very helpful for both you and them.
What guideline(s) would you add to this list?
[Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash]