When a pastor leaves a church for any reason, both the pastor and his family and the church will experience grief. Let me go deeper on that topic.
First, what is grief?
I define grief this way: grief is the largely emotional response one has to losing something or someone that has shaped one's life. It can also include mental, physical, social and/or spiritual responses to loss. Healthy grief involves a process, and individuals respond to loss at their own unique pace and way.
Whenever there is a loss of any kind, people need to go through a grieving process. The same is true of churches that go through the loss of a pastor. As with humans, an abrupt or unexpected departure of a pastor from a church is a loss that makes the grieving even more difficult or even divisive in the church. Churches can grieve just like individuals or families.
It is widely acknowledged that the grief process involves stages of resolution and recovery. In 1969, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross introduced the now famous "five stages of grief" from her observations of terminally-ill patients. It is predictable that churches who "lose" a pastor for retirement, resignation, dismissal, leaving for a call to another church or ministry, or death will experience some or all of these stages.
Stage one of the grieving process is denial. Some people in the church may think or say, "This can't be happening to us." If it's not clear why a pastor left, rumors tend to form as a way of denying that there may have been good reasons for the loss. Pointing fingers of blame at others or leadership may also be a way of denying the truth behind what happened.
Stage two is anger. This is the "Why is this happening to us?" stage. People in the church look for others to blame and strong emotions and reactions prevail. Some even leave the church because they blame others in the church for what just happened.
Stage three of the process is bargaining. In stage three, people or even groups within the church will try to bargain with the church leadership to correct or reverse what happened that caused the pastor to leave. "We'll do this if you do that," comes to mind.
Stage four is depression. Depression grief may cause people to back away from leadership or ministry roles. The church may lose a sense of hope and vision. Sadness prevails and people tend to feel lonely and rejected.
Stage five of the grieving process is acceptance. If the church is able to get to stage five, people in the church must become at peace with what has been lost when the pastor(s) left the church. At this stage, a hope and future for the church can re-emerge and a vision and passion for the future can be regained. This is often a goal for Transitional Interim Pastor as they help churches to grieve and heal from the loss they have sustained. With help, a church family can come to terms with their "loss" and begin to look forward to a new pastor and future for the church.
Here are a few additional thoughts about grieving of the "loss" of a pastor.
A sudden or abrupt departure or death of a pastor tends to create stronger emotions or difficulty in working through the process. Churches need some time following a resignation to process the emotions and reasons behind the loss of a pastor for whatever reason. Time may also be needed for resolving any conflict and saying "goodbye" in a healthy way.
When one loss is piled on another such as several pastors leaving within a short period of time or when a group of people leave the church after a pastor leaves, it makes grieving more difficult but still very possible with God's help. The church may need to address these losses together so that a new pastor can come to a church that has grieved well and is ready to move on toward a new hope and future.
The pastor and his wife and family will also be experiencing some or all of the stages of grief, so they will also need time and support to process grief in a healthy way that is uniquely tailored to their needs. Some denominations, districts, or ministry organizations are able to help meet the needs of pastors and their families.
Going through grief in a healthy way can best happen when done with others. In Galatians 6:2, the Bible says, "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." And in Romans 12:15b, the Word declares, "°weep with those who weep."
Good grief is possible with God's help and by joining hearts and hands with others in the church. Have you been able to experience good grief in a church family?
Photo by Parker Whitson on Unsplash
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