Smart church leaders use different kinds of communication, but they can't afford to send the wrong signals when they use non-verbal communication.
Since the beginning of research on communication, it has been determined that people use almost a million nonverbal cues and signals when they interact with others. In the 1950's, researcher Albert Mehrabian, a pioneer in body-language research, determined that the total impact of a message is about 7% verbal, 38% vocal including tone of voice, inflection and other sounds, and 55% non-verbal.
One can easily conclude that church and ministry leaders, especially ministry coaches, cannot afford to make big mistakes in their communication. So, what are some of the top non-verbal communication mistakes for pastors, leaders and ministry coaches? I suggest ten big ones. Let's call them "10 No-No's in Coaching Communication." These is true, at least in the North American cultural context. They may not apply in all cultural or multi-cultural settings.
- Never talk to someone with your limbs crossed. A classic example is crossing your arms across your chest. When you do this, you potentially reduce your credibility while showing that you may not be interested in the other person and may even be showing hostility to that person.
- Do not clench your fists while talking. If you do, this may show the person you're talking to a restrained, anxious or negative attitude on your part. It might even reveal that you are frustrated with the other person.
- Don't focus your eyes on something or someone other than the person with whom you are coaching. In the North American culture, if you are not focusing your attention on the person you are listening to by using eye-contact 60%-80% of the time, you are not communicating well. If you don't focus your eyes on him or her, you may be perceived by that person as being untrustworthy, or he or she might think you are ignoring him or her. Focus, but don't stare.
- Rolling your eyes while listening is a No-No. Men, ask your wife or female friend what rolling your eyes means. (Females learn this non-verbal cue at an early age – in my family around 10–12 years old.) It does not mean you believe what another person is saying!
- Do not try leaning away from someone while listening to him or her. When you lean away from someone, you might be showing that you are closed to communication and want to put distance between you and him or her. And, definitely do not lean back in your chair combined with crossing your legs and arms. If you do, you might as well shout out that you are not listening, no matter what.
- Speaking of ten No-No's, here another on my list - Thou shall not check your cell phone! In a coaching relationship, the most important person in the room is the one you are coaching. Checking your cell phone or answering a call while listening or talking sends a loud non-verbal signal that the person you are coaching is not that important to you, or worse, that you are bored and have more important things to do.
- Do not look down over your nose at someone you are coaching. This is true even if you have your reading glasses on, especially the half-lens ones. This non-verbal behavior can be easily seen as an act of superiority or condescension by a coach. People who do this behavior can easily make someone feel that they are being judged. Take your reading glasses off and look straight at the other person's eyes, or between the eyes. If you are sitting in a chair across from the person, find a seat that does not make you appear to be above him or her.
- No matter what you hear, do not frown. Both smiling and frowning appear to be contagious, and both communicate emotions. In a coaching relationship, you want to communicate hope and encouragement, not sadness, despair and hopelessness. But, do learn to the secret of "rejoicing with those who rejoice and weeping with those who weep" while communicating hope and encouragement (Romans 12:15).
- While speaking with another person, do not point your feet or body toward the door or exit space. When you do this, it may give the other person the idea that you want to end the conversation or leave.
- For Number 10, let me just say, don't read too much into one non-verbal action or gesture. One gesture may have several meanings, for example: fidgeting in a chair may mean someone is nervous, or is wearing tight clothes, or has a sore back, or is withholding information, or needs to stop and use the restroom, or wants the meeting to end and quickly, etc.. Instead, look for clusters of non-verbal or body actions when interpreting what the person you are coaching is thinking or feeling or planning.
I confess, I have been guilty of all ten of these offenses, but with God's help, I'm working at being a better coach and communicator.
If you want to dig deep and learn more about non-verbal communication, I recommend you get and read the book by Allan and Barbara Pease, The Definitive Book of Body Language. It's an eye-opener!
Just for fun, which one of these ten communication No-No's causes you the most problems?